A Moment

Do you ever have one of those "God moments" that you just know you will never forget? I definitely experienced that this weekend.

Like I said before, our Beach Retreat was amazing. It was one of those weekends where almost everything that was spoken seemed to be directed right to me.

These past few weeks God has done a lot in my life. There have been a lot of things I don't understand and I've definitely played the "why Lord?" game quite a bit. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and even though it's not always easy, I'm at a really good place right now.

Several weeks ago I heard someone speak about us being living sacrifices. He mentioned how as humans, we have the option to lay down our lives on the alter for God to do what He will with them. But we also have the option to pick ourselves up, turn around, and walk away.

For a lot of people, me included, the problem isn't laying my life down.... it's laying it down and keeping it there. So many times when things get hard I tend to pick myself up and question if all this is really worth it (in my heart I know it is, but sometimes it really is a struggle).

I watched a little girl try and give blood last week at work. She tried to fight it the whole time. She would stick her arm out and just when the nurse would get close to her, she would jerk it back up and tuck it under her other arm.

I'm not one of those people that tries to make every situation into something super spiritual, but I couldn't help but think that that is what I've been doing with my life lately. I lay a certain area down, and then right when it doesn't go like I think it's going to or I start to question what the Lord might be doing, I jerk it right back up. Or when I feel like I'm losing control, I try and take matters into my own hands.

I've been battling with this for months.

Friday night in our first service, I was really challenged to just lay it all down. Our college/singles pastor really encouraged everyone who felt like they needed to, to go down to the alter. I haven't been to an alter in a long time and it was very intimidating to have to walk down in front of everyone. Especially when I always sit in the very back and had to walk past everyone I knew.
And you know there are people wondering why you are going down and what it is that's going on with you. We've all done it before.
*Why is it that we feel the need to try and make people think we have it all together and we aren't struggling? I've been doing a lot of that lately.

So before I can even make it to the front the tears just start coming. So now, not only am I walking in front of everyone, but I'm a blubbering mess the whole way there. I just sat there and cried. And when I felt like I could get composure enough to walk back to my seat, I got up. I realized once I got back that I didn't really even pray or anything while I was up there. I just cried.

I think I experienced some of what this verse talks about:
Romans 8:26 (The Message)
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. "

****Note to the people: I'm not really sure what the whole "pregnant condition" thing is all about. But it most defintely isn't the part of the verse I'm relating with :)

All I could do was stand there and try to pull myself together. I was having a moment where I really needed to feel God. Just hearing someone tell me that the Lord is always with me wasn't enough.

So I look up and I see my dad walking towards me. (For some reason I always want to be brave in front of my dad. I know he doesn't expect me to be, but I also know that he doesn't like to see me cry and see me hurting.....especially when it's something he can't fix and make better. I think dads are just like that with their little girls/24 year old daughters). So I try and pull it together for my dad because I know he's about to hug me. But as soon as his arms closed around me, I lost it. And I just stood there for what seemed like forever and cried while he hugged me.

I really felt like the Lord lined that moment up. He couldn't physically reach down and hug me so He gave me the next best thing. I think I needed it way more than I ever knew.